Self-Validation

Your feelings are valid. If this doesn’t resonate, that would be something wonderful to process in therapy. Self-validation is a really important skill needed for empowerment for creating a “life well-lived”, and for healthy self advocacy in relationships.

Thought exercises to strengthen this muscle:
Get to the root of the feeling. Ask yourself:
What am I afraid of?
What am I needing?
What hurts?
Explore the history of this feeling. Ask yourself:
Where or when have I felt this before?
Externalize the feeling to someone you have more natural compassion for. Ask yourself:
What would I think about this feeling if someone I really love and cherish was telling me this?

Last tip:
There’s never anything wrong with having a feeling. It just matters what you do with it.

For the Love of Food & Gathering

One of my love languages is sharing food with a loved one. It brings me so much joy. I love to plan and talk about getting the food together, making it an occasion and celebration.

There is food that I share a love for in particular with many of my close friendships. It represents memories of quality time. With my husband, we love to try any and all Asian food and culture, and dream about visiting different countries together one day to try it authentically. My mom and I love to get Peruvian together whenever she visits, to remember a trip we took there together. My best friend and I always get margaritas and queso when I’m back ‘home’ with her in Alabama (you can’t get the same kind of queso in AZ!). My brother and I love the Chinese food at the mall in our home town when I see him at Christmas. There are many more examples. For me, going out to eat or cooking together at home is one of the last vestiges where you can tangibly feel like a true village and community.

If you have the opportunity to see your family (**and your relationships are healthy enough for you to support this), I’d love to invite you to sit in some gratitude for that today. My husband and I are about to celebrate 5 years living in Arizona; and our life here would be perfect if it weren’t for us not having any of our family within a day’s drive. It’s hard. We do love the AZ family we’ve made though, and look forward to sharing more food with them soon as the world opens up post-vaccine.

🌿 if it’s not too cheesy to ask (pun intended), what are some of the meals you love to share with loved ones? Leave it below! 👇

How to start a conversation about connection in your relationship

1. Ask yourself: Do you know what you need?
   If not, how can your partner? Often times, we can sense that something is off but we don’t always know what to attribute this to. If you’re not sure, process with a friend or therapist. Do you know what you’re missing, or longing for, in your relationship? This needs to be shared explicitly. Not only is your partner not a mind reader; but also, our wants and needs change all the time.
   

2. Ask yourself: What are you doing that is contributing to disconnection/ stalemate?
   Even if you can’t see it, you are part of a feedback loop in the relationship and you have a part in contributing to the disconnect. Maybe it is how you enable to space, maybe it is in how harshly you bring up conversations around it. If this is hard to understand, it’s worth discussing with a loved one who will give you honest feedback, or with a therapist.
   

3. Now, talk to your partner:
   First: Own your part — these conversations tend to go much better when it feels like “hey, this something we should both work on” rather than an attack on the other person. In my experience, people hear better when they first feel heard. If you can start by acknowledging what they may need/want to have acknowledged, it will likely open the conversation for them to hear you as well.
   Then: express what you want from them as a want*, not a criticism — Expressing our wants and needs is incredibly vulnerable. It requires putting ourselves out there. I often see that when we are not getting the thing we love for, we approach that conversation kind of “side ways”. Let me give a few examples of criticism I often hear that can be turned into expressions of want:
   Instead of— “You’ve been on your phone all night”, try “I’d love if we could have some undistracted time together, would you mind putting your phone away for a little while?”.
   Instead of— “You never text me when you’re gone”, try “Would you mind checking in with me sometimes when you’re gone? It makes me feel so good to know you’re okay, and thinking of me”.
   Instead of “you never __________” or “you always __________” or “you don’t __________”…… try “I would really love it if you would __________” or “It would mean a lot to me if you would __________” or “Would you mind _______? It makes me feel so loved(etc!) when you do!”.
   
   *A note on wants versus needs: I really like to encourage couples and partners to use the language of wants over needs. It’s very normalized in couples therapy to help people express their needs more. And this is so important at large (I see so many clients who feel so guilty or invalidated for having needs).
   But the reality is that so many parts of the relationship that make it rich and wonderful are not true needs, they’re wants. It’s actually very vulnerable to express a want, because it’s something you can choose to give me or not. Using the language of need can be intimidating to some because it sounds very urgent. Try using the language of “want” and see if it does in fact feel more vulnerable.
   For example: saying “I need more quality time” may leave your partner feeling like they ‘have to do this or else’; saying ‘I want more quality time’ allows you to put your heart and feelings out there in a way that they can feel safe to hear and respond to.
   I think it’s really important to have nuance in these conversations. Sometimes you’re asking something of your partner that is not critical, but would make the relationship better or just make you happier. I like to save the “needs” language for more critical topics, that way you can get your partner’s attention.

Hey, North Carolina!

I have a fun announcement! I’m officially North Carolina’s newest Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.
Today I was notified that my application for Licensure in North Carolina was accepted. As therapists, we are only able to practice therapy in the states where we are licensed and this applies to Telehealth services as well. This means that I’ll begin to advertise for Telehealth services to clients who live in North Carolina, as well as Arizona.
Our field has adapted a lot while we figured things out through the Pandemic, and I think one of the benefits of that is opening up our ability to provide services to those who may otherwise not have access. 
Before you ask: no, I’m not moving there, though I’d love to one day. I was actually born in North Carolina and consider my self a Carolina girl at heart. Their state happens to have licensure requirements very similar to ours in Arizona, so it was a simple process that creates more opportunity for my practice to grow.

Introducing: Kelsey Riddle Therapy & Wellness

Hi friends & colleagues! I have some news to share.

I have had the most wonderful experience working for Therapy with Heart for the past 4 years and after much thought, I have recently decided to open my own practice: Kelsey Riddle Therapy & Wellness.

I look forward to this transition and am so grateful to Therapy with Heart for their support.

I will be finishing up my time at Therapy with Heart through January, and I will be taking new clients in my practice beginning February 1st, 2020!

Kelsey Riddle Therapy & Wellness will be focused on supporting Individuals & Couples around relationship distress. This practice will be fully online for the foreseeable future.

Thank you so much for your support!