Ask yourself: Do you know what you need?
If not, how can your partner? Often times, we can sense that something is off but we don’t always know what to attribute this to. If you’re not sure, process with a friend or therapist. Do you know what you’re missing, or longing for, in your relationship? This needs to be shared explicitly. Not only is your partner not a mind reader; but also, our wants and needs change all the time.Ask yourself: What are you doing that is contributing to disconnection/ stalemate?
Even if you can’t see it, you are part of a feedback loop in the relationship and you have a part in contributing to the disconnect. Maybe it is how you enable to space, maybe it is in how harshly you bring up conversations around it. If this is hard to understand, it’s worth discussing with a loved one who will give you honest feedback, or with a therapist.Now, talk to your partner:
First: Own your part — these conversations tend to go much better when it feels like “hey, this something we should both work on” rather than an attack on the other person. In my experience, people hear better when they first feel heard. If you can start by acknowledging what they may need/want to have acknowledged, it will likely open the conversation for them to hear you as well.
Then: express what you want from them as a want*, not a criticism — Expressing our wants and needs is incredibly vulnerable. It requires putting ourselves out there. I often see that when we are not getting the thing we love for, we approach that conversation kind of “side ways”. Let me give a few examples of criticism I often hear that can be turned into expressions of want:
Instead of— “You’ve been on your phone all night”, try “I’d love if we could have some undistracted time together, would you mind putting your phone away for a little while?”.
Instead of— “You never text me when you’re gone”, try “Would you mind checking in with me sometimes when you’re gone? It makes me feel so good to know you’re okay, and thinking of me”.
Instead of “you never __________” or “you always __________” or “you don’t __________”…… try “I would really love it if you would __________” or “It would mean a lot to me if you would __________” or “Would you mind _______? It makes me feel so loved(etc!) when you do!”.
*A note on wants versus needs: I really like to encourage couples and partners to use the language of wants over needs. It’s very normalized in couples therapy to help people express their needs more. And this is so important at large (I see so many clients who feel so guilty or invalidated for having needs).
But the reality is that so many parts of the relationship that make it rich and wonderful are not true needs, they’re wants. It’s actually very vulnerable to express a want, because it’s something you can choose to give me or not. Using the language of need can be intimidating to some because it sounds very urgent. Try using the language of “want” and see if it does in fact feel more vulnerable.
For example: saying “I need more quality time” may leave your partner feeling like they ‘have to do this or else’; saying ‘I want more quality time’ allows you to put your heart and feelings out there in a way that they can feel safe to hear and respond to.
I think it’s really important to have nuance in these conversations. Sometimes you’re asking something of your partner that is not critical, but would make the relationship better or just make you happier. I like to save the “needs” language for more critical topics, that way you can get your partner’s attention.