So, What is a bid, and how do you make one?
The Gottman’s say that bids are fundamental units of emotional connection. They are a request to connect, through an expression, question, or physical gesture. They can be of any nature — serious, funny, sexual. They can be big or small, verbal or nonverbal.
For example, you may say to your partner “Do you see that cool bird outside?”. Or you may simply pat them affectionally, give them a hug, or make a humorous remark. Bids are very subtle, and not always very vulnerable. That’s okay - we need simple, accessible ways to connect (the Gottman’s call this ‘small things often’.) Even though they’re subtle, they’re communicating an important message: Hey, pay attention to me, engage with me, connect with me. I’m offering my hand in connection, please offer yours in return.
A bid is any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection. Bids show up in simple ways, a smile or wink, and more complex ways, like a request for advice or help. In general, women make more bids than men, but in the healthiest relationships, both partners are comfortable making all kinds of bids. — Zach Brittle, LMHC
How to respond to your partner’s bids:
Turning towards them, instead of away.
In his book “The Relationship Cure“, Gottman writes, “After many months of watching tapes with my students, it dawned on me. Maybe it’s not the depth of intimacy in conversations that matters. Maybe it doesn’t even matter whether couples agree or disagree. Maybe the important thing is how these people pay attention to each other, no matter what they’re talking about or doing.”
Simply put, successful couples are attentive. They listen, and they put their phones down when the other person wants to chat.
This research led Gottman to develop one of the core tenets of his philosophy for building successful relationships: healthy couples constantly make and accept bids to connect. — Logan Ury
When your partner makes a bid, there are three ways we essentially respond:
Turning towards: acknowledging the bid. In my experience this is is often with positive regard, interest, and soft and kind inflection.
When you “turn towards” bids, your partner hears: I hear you. I’m interested. I understand — or would like to. I’m on your side. I’d like to be with you (even if I can’t be). I accept you and I like you.
Turning away: ignoring or missing the bid. This can happen accidentally when we aren’t present, but it also happens when we do not respond. Many of us assume that this may be a neutral response but it actually may be hurtful in the relationship. It also means that we miss a small opportunity for connection.
Turning against: rejecting the bid in an argumentative or belligerent way. This can be as simple as a scoff or negative inflection. Generally, turning against means we’re responding with one of the Four Horsemen of Communication: Defensiveness, Stonewalling, Criticism, and Contempt (read more here about the harmful impacts of the Four Horsemen as seen in Gottman’s research.
Why is turning toward your partner’s bid so important?
Turning towards your partners bids for connection is shown by research to be highly protective and helpful for your relationship. Turning towards bids develops trust, connection, passion, and humor. It doesn’t need to be perfect, but it does need to be a priority and something to cultivate in yourself and in your relationship.
When bids are ignored:
Gottman’s research has also found that when couples break up, its more often about resentment and distance, than things people assume like fights or infidelity. It’s the small moments. It’s the missed opportunities to connect, and that is what happens when we turn away or against bids.
To “miss” a bid is to “turn away.” Turning away can be devastating. It’s even more devastating than “turning against” or rejecting the bid. Rejecting a bid at least provides the opportunity for continued engagement and repair. Missing the bid results in diminished bids, or worse, making bids for attention, enjoyment, and affection somewhere else. — Zach Brittle, LMHC
Use your words. Nonverbal bids are still bids and deserve recognition. That said, some people have difficulty reading gestures like a smile or flirty glance. The meaning behind silence is particularly hard to interpret. So, it’s important to speak up. If a labored sigh while washing the dishes doesn’t prompt your partner to lend a hand, ask them if they have time to help you dry. Get ahead of the situation by suggesting an arrangement where whoever cooks the meal gets the night off from loading the dishwasher. The point is, try to verbalize your bids in a way that your partner understands.
Ask for what you really need. Taking the previous step further, when making that verbal bid, be certain about exactly what you need in that moment. If you’ve had a hard day and need your partner to listen to you, say, “Today was a rough one. Can I tell you about it?” If you don’t want to talk about it, but just need some cuddle time on the couch, try saying exactly that. Help your partner take the guesswork out of responding to your bid.
Express your need as a positive. Turning against a bid is a relationship killer. However, one way this happens unintentionally is when the bid is wrapped up in the wrong package. Imagine missing your partner after a busy week of work and other responsibilities. However, instead of telling your partner that you miss them, you allow the hurt of the disconnection to come out in a critical statement (e.g., “You’re never home” or “I’m doing everything by myself around here”). What your partner hears is how they fall short, and their reaction could lead straight into conflict. That’s definitely not what you wanted. A better bid would be expressing a positive need (e.g., “I miss you. Can we schedule a date night?” or “It’s been a while since we had lunch together. Are you free next week?”). This type of bid requests an emotional connection with specifically what you want in a non-critical, judgment-free tone.
Watch their video explanation here:
