Do you know this human organ?

Can anyone guess what this human organ is?
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This is a 3D print of a clitoris! Most people only think this organ goes as far as the glans clitoris -the head/tip that can physically be seen. But the rest is internal and very sensitive! There is a cultural problem with how we as a society see women's sexuality. Because we can't see a majority of women's sex organs, were assumed to be less sexual than men. 1 in 3 women have trouble reaching an orgasm, but this is more indicative of a psychological problem rather than a physical one. Women's sexuality often comes second to men's, and I believe part of the problem is an endemic naïveté - let's change that! Women are capable of enjoying sex just as much as men are. For more information or to learn about your sexual health, schedule an appointment with me today. #healthysexuality #sexualhealth#sextherapy #women #womenempowerment

My Best Advice to Every Couple

My 3 Pieces of Advice to All Couples

            In working in this field, I have been asked before what my #1 piece of advice for couples is. I’ve been thinking on that and I can narrow down to these three parts. And if I want my couples to get anything through their experience in therapy with me, I hope they at least leave with these in mind.  If I had a message for all couples to hear, it would be these three:

Show your Partner How Important They Are To You

            This is surely my #1 piece of advice. I think most couples could use a reminder of this every day. We have a natural desire to be comfortable and get in a routine of things. It’s such a privilege to have someone be such a regular part of your life that you forget to show them how glad you are to have them there.

            But the desire to feel appreciated by our partner doesn’t fade with time. We may grow in the security of the relationship, but we always want to know that we are a loved, appreciated, part of our beloved’s life, just as they are to us.

            This does not have to be a grand gesture. Simply rolling over in the morning with a smile can do the trick. Whisper that you’re so glad you have that person while they’re cooking dinner. Bring home they’re favorite candy next time you’re filling up at the gas station.

Regardless of how you make your person feel loved, just remember to make it a priority to make it known how important they are.

Be Explicit

            All too often the communication I see in my office involves someone feeling that a message was sent, while their partner didn’t receive it at all – and now feels lost and confused about signals.

            Do not assume that your partner knows what you are trying to tell them. You may know each other better than anyone in the world, and you may be able to predict each other’s every movement. But something you assume will be obvious to your partner is probably often misunderstood or misinterpreted.

            I like the term explicit because voicing out loud and being specific about what you want and need is an essential part of the relationship.

            And if there is a block that keeps you from being explicit, explore this with someone you can open to, or individual or couple counseling.

Have Support and Resources for Your Relationship

            My last bit of advice is that one of the best things you can do to protect your relationship is to have an army of support and resources for it. Supportive friends, friends of the relationship, family, and community are all a part of those resources.

It’s important that you as an individual, and you as a couple, have people you can turn to that respect the relationship and are invested in it as well.   

An important resource can be other couples that you look up to and remind you what love can look like. In this world where sharing is as simple as clicking a button, dirty laundry, conflict, and hurt are easily seen and can be a potentially harmful influence on the relationship. Having another couple that you look up to, that can remind you that not every day is perfect – but is worth it, can help keep you on track in the tough transitions. Tough transitions should be anticipated and planned for, and are not a red flag of the relationship.

            Another wonderful resource for the couple is of course, therapy. I tell all my couples as they are transitioning out of couple therapy that I hope they can use me as a resource any time in the future when issues arise for them. Having a therapist who knows your relationship is an amazing resource that you can go back to again, and again. I am a firm believer that therapy can be episodic, and I wish more people used us as family doctors, whom you can go to any time for varying reasons. 

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 I believe you need to invest in relationships for them to maintain and thrive in connection and intimacy. There is an intentional effort to improve and grow together throughout the development of the relationship. These three pieces of advice are only small, but important skills to focus on. If you want more information on ways to prepare your relationship for a lifetime, feel free to reach out to me personally.

Thank you for reading

Kelsey Blythe MS LAMFT

7 Things to Know about Infidelity

7 things you need to know about infidelity. From Shirley Glass' afterword: "Real people wish they had had the foresight to prevent infidelity before it wreaked havoc. When they say, "I wish I could go back in time before the affair," I ask what information would have helped and what they would say to others. They tell me that they didn't know how good friendships could imperceptibly cross the line. It never occurred to them that good people in good marriages could be vulnerable to betraying their partners. Some say they would have worked to fix their marriage instead of running away from problems. Many never considered how much pain their actions would cause, or how long it would take to heal." Her book: Not Just Friends, is a great resource.

Lessons from my Dog (part 1)

In my free time I try to combine being active and spending time with my dog. Now that I’m working full time, this is especially important. The best part of hanging with my dog is the companionship and constant joy I feel when I’m around him (if you’re a dog lover, you know what I am talking about. I’ve noticed lately that I have progressively been learning more and more from my dog.

A few weeks ago, before moving to Arizona, I took my dog to my favorite hiking spot near my home town. It’s about an hour’s drive, so I have to really be dedicated to being there in order to make the trip. One Saturday I found the time and loaded up Roy, and set off. We unloaded, headed up the first big ascent, and when we finally reached the top – it began to thunderstorm. I was so disappointed; I’d been looking forward to this trip. When we started heading back toward the car, I noticed that Roy was not at all disappointed. He was chipper as he always is, and loaded back up without a complaint. Now, I know that he’s a dog, and he’s arguably low on the intellectual ability scale, but it really got me thinking about what it means to not be disappointed and why.

I originally boiled it down to the fact that he has no expectations. And in thinking that, I shrugged the thought away because it’s just not possible for me to not have any expectations at all, especially because I’m a passionate and excitable person. But then I realized: it’s not that he doesn’t have expectations. He does. He expects attention, affection, and having his basic needs met. The real message is that my dog has an unconditional love for me, and we are truly connected. As long as I meet those basic expectations that he has, he’s happy.

This is a message that is so true in terms of the couples that I see in my office. When you build a life with someone, you have many expectations. And though you become more and more a unit, you still have some expectations that may be independent of your partners. But if you’re able to keep connection, you will never feel disappointed. The message is this: give each other attention, give each other affection, meet each other’s basic needs for love and compassion and you will never be disappointed.

Men Need to be Courted, Too

When you look up the word “courting”, the definition is: to pay special attention to (someone) in an attempt to win their support or favor. This makes sense to us when we think about the beginning of a relationship. We all do this… early on.

But couples should continuously do this in their relationship. The special attention, the effort, and the thoughtfulness should never stop in a loving relationship. I’ve noticed something lately though: there is that there’s a lot of socialization about women needing this, and not as much about men.

We hear that women want flowers, they want to be taken to a nice dinner and then the movies, etc. etc. Now, of course those things don’t fit for all women. I asked my fiancé to only get me house plants instead of flowers because to me they’re prettier and last longer – but that’s my personal preference. My fiancé also knows that when he is trying to show me he loves me, he can write me a note or even just make up the bed (Hey Sidney, I hope you’re seeing this!).

Women aren’t the only people who want this though. In fact, not only does everyone want it – everyone needs it!

I originally started this post wanting to promote partners taking men on dates (this does not just apply to heterosexual relationships). But when I started I realized that the need is so much bigger than that. Lately I have heard so many men in my office saying how they feel taken for granted, unappreciated, and like the hard work they do for their families is something just expected. No one should feel this way! We need to continuously remind the men in our lives how much we love them: we need to court them. Men need someone to do special and sweet things just for them, too, not just women. What men want may be different, but I think those things are different for everyone no matter the gender. If you know your partner well enough, you can court him in a way that he will love.

I’m going to give you some ideas, but remember that the real effort is you doing something that you know your guy will love.

1. Cook a steak dinner at home and do the grilling for him
2. Pick him up and take him somewhere nice to watch the sunrise
3. Get him tickets for you both to see that team he’s been dying to see
4. Get his car cleaned, oil changed, etc. for him.. men seem to really love their cars
5. Leave him a sweet note somewhere he will find it at work
6. Set aside time to help with that project he’s been working on for months
7. Do his house chores for him when you know he’s had a long day
8. Surprise him at work with his favorite take-out
9. Send delivery food home when you’re out of town to show you’re thinking of him (my grandmother told me when I was 8 years old that a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, and I whole heartedly believe her!).
10. Pick up some new under clothes that you know will thrill him

These are just ideas, but the message is clear: men need to feel important, loved and pursued just as much as women do. Just because they may not ask for it, doesn’t mean that it’s not something that they would love and appreciate so much from the person they love most in the world. We all wanted to be reminded how much out partner cares about us, and that doesn’t stop after we move past dating to engagement or marriage. In fact, it’s more important as we get more comfortable with each other.

Thanks for reading and keep connected,

Kelsey