Lessons from my Dog (part 1)

In my free time I try to combine being active and spending time with my dog. Now that I’m working full time, this is especially important. The best part of hanging with my dog is the companionship and constant joy I feel when I’m around him (if you’re a dog lover, you know what I am talking about. I’ve noticed lately that I have progressively been learning more and more from my dog.

A few weeks ago, before moving to Arizona, I took my dog to my favorite hiking spot near my home town. It’s about an hour’s drive, so I have to really be dedicated to being there in order to make the trip. One Saturday I found the time and loaded up Roy, and set off. We unloaded, headed up the first big ascent, and when we finally reached the top – it began to thunderstorm. I was so disappointed; I’d been looking forward to this trip. When we started heading back toward the car, I noticed that Roy was not at all disappointed. He was chipper as he always is, and loaded back up without a complaint. Now, I know that he’s a dog, and he’s arguably low on the intellectual ability scale, but it really got me thinking about what it means to not be disappointed and why.

I originally boiled it down to the fact that he has no expectations. And in thinking that, I shrugged the thought away because it’s just not possible for me to not have any expectations at all, especially because I’m a passionate and excitable person. But then I realized: it’s not that he doesn’t have expectations. He does. He expects attention, affection, and having his basic needs met. The real message is that my dog has an unconditional love for me, and we are truly connected. As long as I meet those basic expectations that he has, he’s happy.

This is a message that is so true in terms of the couples that I see in my office. When you build a life with someone, you have many expectations. And though you become more and more a unit, you still have some expectations that may be independent of your partners. But if you’re able to keep connection, you will never feel disappointed. The message is this: give each other attention, give each other affection, meet each other’s basic needs for love and compassion and you will never be disappointed.

Men Need to be Courted, Too

When you look up the word “courting”, the definition is: to pay special attention to (someone) in an attempt to win their support or favor. This makes sense to us when we think about the beginning of a relationship. We all do this… early on.

But couples should continuously do this in their relationship. The special attention, the effort, and the thoughtfulness should never stop in a loving relationship. I’ve noticed something lately though: there is that there’s a lot of socialization about women needing this, and not as much about men.

We hear that women want flowers, they want to be taken to a nice dinner and then the movies, etc. etc. Now, of course those things don’t fit for all women. I asked my fiancé to only get me house plants instead of flowers because to me they’re prettier and last longer – but that’s my personal preference. My fiancé also knows that when he is trying to show me he loves me, he can write me a note or even just make up the bed (Hey Sidney, I hope you’re seeing this!).

Women aren’t the only people who want this though. In fact, not only does everyone want it – everyone needs it!

I originally started this post wanting to promote partners taking men on dates (this does not just apply to heterosexual relationships). But when I started I realized that the need is so much bigger than that. Lately I have heard so many men in my office saying how they feel taken for granted, unappreciated, and like the hard work they do for their families is something just expected. No one should feel this way! We need to continuously remind the men in our lives how much we love them: we need to court them. Men need someone to do special and sweet things just for them, too, not just women. What men want may be different, but I think those things are different for everyone no matter the gender. If you know your partner well enough, you can court him in a way that he will love.

I’m going to give you some ideas, but remember that the real effort is you doing something that you know your guy will love.

1. Cook a steak dinner at home and do the grilling for him
2. Pick him up and take him somewhere nice to watch the sunrise
3. Get him tickets for you both to see that team he’s been dying to see
4. Get his car cleaned, oil changed, etc. for him.. men seem to really love their cars
5. Leave him a sweet note somewhere he will find it at work
6. Set aside time to help with that project he’s been working on for months
7. Do his house chores for him when you know he’s had a long day
8. Surprise him at work with his favorite take-out
9. Send delivery food home when you’re out of town to show you’re thinking of him (my grandmother told me when I was 8 years old that a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, and I whole heartedly believe her!).
10. Pick up some new under clothes that you know will thrill him

These are just ideas, but the message is clear: men need to feel important, loved and pursued just as much as women do. Just because they may not ask for it, doesn’t mean that it’s not something that they would love and appreciate so much from the person they love most in the world. We all wanted to be reminded how much out partner cares about us, and that doesn’t stop after we move past dating to engagement or marriage. In fact, it’s more important as we get more comfortable with each other.

Thanks for reading and keep connected,

Kelsey

Surviving Moving In Together

Moving in with your partner will change the relationship. And if you both love each other, and work hard, it will change it for the better.

BEFORE OR AFTER MARRIAGE?

Plenty of research has given its opinion about whether cohabitating is good or bad for a relationship. Some research has even suggested that living together before marriage predicts breaking up. Others say it is essential to live with your partner before deciding to spend your lives together. A study published by The Journal of Family Psychology reported that 70% of couples do live together before marriage.

Whether you have just gotten married, or you two are simply making that next step together, the same challenges apply. I personally live with my fiancé and it has been the best. But it has certainly been a transition, and continues to be. Luckily we have made it fun, but there are a few things that I keep in mind that help me during times that are more tough.

KNOWING IT’S THE RIGHT TIME

When it comes down to it, the most important factor of surviving the move-in is whether or not it’s the right time to do it in the first place. I think it really comes down to the intentions of why you’re doing it. If it’s out of convenience or necessity, for example, that one of your leases is up, or that it would be less expensive to pay rent for one place, it may not be the right time. But if the decision is coming more from a place that it feels like the natural next step, and you’re both really excited about it and the commitment that it symbolizes, then you’re probably in a good place.

THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN

One danger of moving in together is that if it isn’t the right person and relationship, moving in makes it very difficult to end the relationship. No one should settle for less than they deserve, and having two names on a lease or dependent on the other person’s income for rent really can put you in a position where you’re stuck. There is truly nothing more lonely than being unhappy in a relationship.

HOW TO SURVIVE

1. It is difficult to have someone in what was always, until now, your space. Sure, they spent plenty of time there and maybe you’ve practically lived together until now. But it is different when my tv is now our And when our carpet needs to be vacuumed because of something you did and I just did it yesterday. But what I say to myself and I hope all couples remember during these times is this: If your partner isn’t invading your space and changing what you’d usually do, then you don’t truly have a life together. Truly, you want them to leave their mark. That’s how you know they’re a bigger part of your life. And if you can keep this perspective, you may not mind so much when they do things differently than what you would do. Because now, it’s not what you’d do, it’s about how to do it together.
2. Another big tip is to have something else in your lives that you both enjoy and brings meaning for you. When you move in, the time you spend together increases and that can add pressure for the relationship to be all-fulfilling, when in reality, we need many fulfilling aspects of our lives to be happy. If your relationship is the only meaningful thing you have, then when you and your partner are having a tough day or argument, it will feel like your whole life is tough. So it’s so important that you both keep the keystones of yourselves strong and maintain them as well.
3. My last big tip for couples moving in together is to have rituals that maintain the relationship. This can be a weekly date night, a game night on the couch, working on projects together, or what may work for you. It’s important to make quality time together intentional and a routine thing. Living together doesn’t have to mean the beginning of mundane, it can actually be a continual adventure together and if you work for it, something that makes your relationship so much better.

Keep Connected,

Kelsey

The Ultimate New Year's Resolution

You will be seeing many New Year’s blogs that are framed to be uplifting and inspiring. But I would like to be so bold as to say my suggestion really out-does them all.

Relationships are the key to any type of happiness. As humans, feeling loved is one of our most basic needs. If you want to improve your life in 2017, the way to do it is through improving your relationships!

So what should your New Year’s Resolutions be?!

MAKE AN EFFORT IN KEEPING YOUR CONNECTIONS

I got inspired to do this, because I recently moved to Arizona – away from all of my closest friends and family. And it is so important to me that I continue to be present in those relationships, even from far away. I’ve never had to do this before so I have been brainstorming ways, and I realized that this is something everyone needs to be working on. Here’s my tip list on ways to keep your connections!

What do I mean by connected?

It is too easy to let our closest relationships dwindle and fall to the wayside when we are apart from them. I know that I do not call my mom nearly enough just to ask her how she is. I call her when I am upset or having a tough time, but I could do a much better job at focusing on her. This is what I mean! My tips here are ways to put an effort into your close relationships that’s not based on ourselves. The focus here is to show these people that you’re thinking of them, you love them and they are important to you.

BIRTHDAYS

I know that not everyone loves to celebrate their day as much as I do. But everyone does like to feel important and thought of, and what better time than a dedicated day for them? My biggest resolution this year is to make an effort for my loved ones birthdays. Last week I sat down and wrote down each of my family member and best friend’s birthdays in my planner (you can go right to Facebook and see a list of everyone’s birthday!). Thoughtful gifts are of course always nice, but it’s really about reaching out, and showing that person you even remember it’s their birthday. My resolution is to at least send a card and give a real phone call (not text!) to everyone on their birthday.

ANNIVERSARIES

It probably need-not be said, but don’t forget to make an effort for your anniversary with your loved one! If you are one of those people who have a hard time remembering or thinking of something special, plan in advance. Write it down and ask your friends what they might suggest. A great gift is always, always quality time with your partner. Plan a time when just the two of you can go do something you both love.

CHECK INS

It is not very common any more to get a “just because” phone call, text, or e-mail. This has mostly fallen off, because social media gives a false sense that we are keeping up with someone. We see their posts and it feels like we know what is going on. But I find myself seeing a friends’ post, and then thinking, when was the last time that we actually spoke? This year, make an effort to check in with those people.. especially the ones that you can’t see often enough. Shoot them a “How are you?” text, out of the blue. E-mail them and let them know you’re thinking about them during their new transition to moving, job, school, etc. It’s not enough to like an Instagram or status!

PHONE CALLS

To follow up to this, I truly believe that a phone call is much much more meaningful than any other time of technology contact. We are all guilty of screening: not answering a call because it seems time consuming. But this year, answer those calls! Even better, call someone! Your grandmother or cousin or mom or brother would love to hear from you. If they’re busy, leave them a voicemail. They will hear it and feel loved.

MOVIES & ENTERTAINMENT

One thing that my fiancé and I did while we were long distance that helped us to feel a little more connected was to watch the same movie at the same time. It’s so easy to do these days with all of the online streaming (we also did this with a TV series, and I highly recommend West World if you haven’t given it a try..). We texted during it, and talked like we would if we were sitting next to each other. It may seem silly, but having a shared experience like that gives you something to talk about and a common interest. Plus, it was a set time that we set aside to focus on each other, which meant a lot to me. I plan to see if my mom wants to start a new series together soon! This could go for many other examples, like reading the same book, cooking the same recipe, etc.

LETTERS

The art of the hand written letter is nearly extinct. I am actually lucky enough to have a shoe-box full of them from almost only the last two years. Some of my quality friends made the effort to leave me hand written notes at work or in my home. And I cherish them! This year, take a few minutes to jot down a sweet thought and leave it for someone you love. Send it in the mail or leave it on the kitchen counter! It effort and thought that goes into a letter is a great way to show someone you love them.

Authenticity is crucial to intimate relationships. It is so important that the people you love see you as present, and that they are important to you. These tips are ways to do that, rather than more superficial ways of “connecting”. On the same note for authenticity, I have some specific tips here, but be authentic to who you are. You can and should show those people that you love them in your very own way, because they love you for who you are and that love you have is what they want to see.

Close relationships are worth the effort! Make your New Year’s resolution to keep the important connections in your life. If you can show the people you love how important they are to you, I promise you will be rewarded. Doing these things for other people really does so much more for ourselves.

Keep connected,

Kelsey

Don't Wait Until You've Reached Your Limit

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it a hundred more times – prevention for relationships is exactly like physical health: it is much more efficient and less painful.

This is a direct quote from the World Research Foundation on preventative medicine:

When you are sick, you have no choice but to think about your health; it’s right there in your face – you feel awful. You must build healthy habits even when it’s not convenient. Eating right, getting exercise and avoiding destructive substances. Healthy habits are an “automatic” defense against most illnesses and can provide us a long, healthy – and thus happy – life.

World research foundation

Now do me a favor. Replace sick with unhappy; replace health with relationship. Replace “eating right, getting exercise, and avoiding destructive substances” with being vulnerable, open, loving and connected.

Healthy relationship habits are so important and there are many ways to learn them. But life gets in the way, and we forget. Or we never learned. What happens if you don’t go see the doctor about your small cut? Sometimes, it’s nothing and we get past it. But sometimes we get a full on infection and have to deal with huge repercussions because we waited to go see the doc.

The same thing happens with relationships, and far far too often. Every day I have couples on my couch where one person is completely checked out. It is the same story, “we’ve lived like this too long”, “I don’t believe they can change”, etc. And unfortunately, when we get to this stage, sometimes its too painful for people to be willing to do the hard work to get it back. We let the cuts accumulate and fester and now we’re too sore to want to even try.

This is why I am asking, begging, and pleading with you: if you have signs of a relationship cold or cut, please make an appointment with us!

But I also have a better suggestion. Don’t let the cuts accumulate. Don’t even let them happen. Take care of your relationship like you should take care of your body. Be on top of your relationship health, be active in working hard in the relationship. Make a commitment to your partner. And a great, easy way to do this is provided right here at The Couples Experts.

We offer a research-developed assessment of relationship health. It is called the Annual Relationship & Love Test. You can register for this relationship checkup right on our website.

The way it works is that you request the assessment from The Couples Expert, and we send you the link via e-mail. Once you and your partner have finished, the completed assessment is sent to us to review. It involves 480 questions about friendship, intimacy, emotions, conflict, values, and trust, as well as parenting, housework, finances, individual areas of concern, and more. It is a great tool to determine what areas of your relationship could use a tune up. Think of it like getting your blood checked, it helps the doctor know about your cholesterol, vitamins, etc. This assessment checks the relationships strengths and challenges.

Just like going to the doctor for your annual checkup, you should be checking in on the health of your relationship.

The beauty of the check up is that your relationship may be in great health, but it will allow me to identify areas of improvement so that those cuts don’t fester or even happen.

We all have our family doctor that we go to for everything (at least, we should). The beauty of the check up is it allows your relationship to have a go-to “doctor” – though I have a masters not a doctorate – in case of any further attention being needed. I think the best thing a couple can do is to nip a problem in the bud before it grows into something more. If youre taking good care of your relationship, and reaching out for help when needed, you’ll have a long, loving relationship.

Please do not wait until you have reached your limit to ask for help.