Tips for a Great Marriage (on my Anniversary!) Part 1

In celebration of my wedding anniversary, I wanted to share my thoughts about some of the things that contribute to a great marriage. I will list my 10 pieces of advice as I sit here reflecting on the things I’ve learned in my own marriage. For each of these items, there is an underlying theme: to have a great marriage, you have to have it as a priority to make one. If you have this one key ingredient, and a partner who has it too, you are in good hands. However I thought I’d add some more specifics! 

These are things that I myself have not perfected and am frequently reminding myself of. I share this because, even as a marriage therapist, I want to emphasize that there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. I do not have one, and I am not a perfect wife. But you can have a *great* marriage. A great marriage consists of many strengths, but also continually works on its flaws. Here are some my tips on how to do this!

1. Make occasions! Celebrate milestones and create reasons to have fun or connect. 

2. Let go of any message you ever heard that things are supposed to come easy or naturally. A great marriage (and great communication, sex, etc) is a process of learning, growing, adapting, being intentional, planning. Nothing should be taken for granted to exist if it’s not nurtured. 

3. Talk about things that hurt or bother you as soon as you can, instead of bottling them up or exploding. *And make sure your partner feels safe and encouraged to share these feelings. Create space for these conversations intentionally and do your best to not emotionally punish your partner for sharing. 

4. Believe that you BOTH have a part and contribute to anything coming up. Dealing with it as a team, and being open to hearing about your side, will get you much further than blame. 

5. Have a forgiving heart. Some hurts need to be addressed, but some also need to be treated with grace. In these early years of marriage, it is such a process of figuring things out. When possible, give your partner the benefit of the doubt that they will do better. 

6. Learn the ways that your partner shows you love and learn to appreciate those. *Also teach them what is meaningful to you, and reciprocate 

7. Make it an assumption that if you see your partner is angry or upset, there is hurt or fear underlying it. Be curious and kind, ignore the reactivity, and get to the underlying issue. 

8. Learn the ways your partner takes care of themselves and support that as much as you can. Celebrate and support the time they take with friends, family, or just for themselves. 

9. Recognize your own faults or weaknesses in the relationship and make it an intention to work on those. A great marriage is made up of two individuals who consider themselves a work in progress. 

10. Be playful as much as you can!!

Going Online Only

It has been difficult to weigh everything, but yesterday I decided to move to online only sessions for the foreseeable future. My sweet husband helped me move my desk and chair home last night.

I am hoping at this point that this will be for the next several weeks, but there is a lot unknown for right now. What I do know for sure is that we are all in the together, and eventually the dust will settle.

We are using a video streaming service through Simple Practice (our current practice management system) that is HIPAA compliant, and I will be sending you a link prior to the session that you can use easily without downloading software if you are on your computer. If you use it from a phone you’ll need to download the simple practice Telehealth app. I can do phone sessions but I would must prefer video when possible.

My hope is that we can give this a try, and reassess if needed. I am working very hard to try to provide the best therapy through Telehealth that I can and make sure that my clients can continue our progress with our work.

My priority is to do my part to take care of the community. After educating myself and speaking with several health care professionals, I now see it’s imperative that we all stay home as much as possible.

I absolutely want to be here to walk through this stress and trying times with you.

PS I am doing my best to stay positive through all this. There is so much to worry about. But can I say that I am looking forward to sharing a space with my sweet dog?

Take care xx

Do you know this human organ?

Can anyone guess what this human organ is?
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This is a 3D print of a clitoris! Most people only think this organ goes as far as the glans clitoris -the head/tip that can physically be seen. But the rest is internal and very sensitive! There is a cultural problem with how we as a society see women's sexuality. Because we can't see a majority of women's sex organs, were assumed to be less sexual than men. 1 in 3 women have trouble reaching an orgasm, but this is more indicative of a psychological problem rather than a physical one. Women's sexuality often comes second to men's, and I believe part of the problem is an endemic naïveté - let's change that! Women are capable of enjoying sex just as much as men are. For more information or to learn about your sexual health, schedule an appointment with me today. #healthysexuality #sexualhealth#sextherapy #women #womenempowerment

My Best Advice to Every Couple

My 3 Pieces of Advice to All Couples

            In working in this field, I have been asked before what my #1 piece of advice for couples is. I’ve been thinking on that and I can narrow down to these three parts. And if I want my couples to get anything through their experience in therapy with me, I hope they at least leave with these in mind.  If I had a message for all couples to hear, it would be these three:

Show your Partner How Important They Are To You

            This is surely my #1 piece of advice. I think most couples could use a reminder of this every day. We have a natural desire to be comfortable and get in a routine of things. It’s such a privilege to have someone be such a regular part of your life that you forget to show them how glad you are to have them there.

            But the desire to feel appreciated by our partner doesn’t fade with time. We may grow in the security of the relationship, but we always want to know that we are a loved, appreciated, part of our beloved’s life, just as they are to us.

            This does not have to be a grand gesture. Simply rolling over in the morning with a smile can do the trick. Whisper that you’re so glad you have that person while they’re cooking dinner. Bring home they’re favorite candy next time you’re filling up at the gas station.

Regardless of how you make your person feel loved, just remember to make it a priority to make it known how important they are.

Be Explicit

            All too often the communication I see in my office involves someone feeling that a message was sent, while their partner didn’t receive it at all – and now feels lost and confused about signals.

            Do not assume that your partner knows what you are trying to tell them. You may know each other better than anyone in the world, and you may be able to predict each other’s every movement. But something you assume will be obvious to your partner is probably often misunderstood or misinterpreted.

            I like the term explicit because voicing out loud and being specific about what you want and need is an essential part of the relationship.

            And if there is a block that keeps you from being explicit, explore this with someone you can open to, or individual or couple counseling.

Have Support and Resources for Your Relationship

            My last bit of advice is that one of the best things you can do to protect your relationship is to have an army of support and resources for it. Supportive friends, friends of the relationship, family, and community are all a part of those resources.

It’s important that you as an individual, and you as a couple, have people you can turn to that respect the relationship and are invested in it as well.   

An important resource can be other couples that you look up to and remind you what love can look like. In this world where sharing is as simple as clicking a button, dirty laundry, conflict, and hurt are easily seen and can be a potentially harmful influence on the relationship. Having another couple that you look up to, that can remind you that not every day is perfect – but is worth it, can help keep you on track in the tough transitions. Tough transitions should be anticipated and planned for, and are not a red flag of the relationship.

            Another wonderful resource for the couple is of course, therapy. I tell all my couples as they are transitioning out of couple therapy that I hope they can use me as a resource any time in the future when issues arise for them. Having a therapist who knows your relationship is an amazing resource that you can go back to again, and again. I am a firm believer that therapy can be episodic, and I wish more people used us as family doctors, whom you can go to any time for varying reasons. 

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 I believe you need to invest in relationships for them to maintain and thrive in connection and intimacy. There is an intentional effort to improve and grow together throughout the development of the relationship. These three pieces of advice are only small, but important skills to focus on. If you want more information on ways to prepare your relationship for a lifetime, feel free to reach out to me personally.

Thank you for reading

Kelsey Blythe MS LAMFT

7 Things to Know about Infidelity

7 things you need to know about infidelity. From Shirley Glass' afterword: "Real people wish they had had the foresight to prevent infidelity before it wreaked havoc. When they say, "I wish I could go back in time before the affair," I ask what information would have helped and what they would say to others. They tell me that they didn't know how good friendships could imperceptibly cross the line. It never occurred to them that good people in good marriages could be vulnerable to betraying their partners. Some say they would have worked to fix their marriage instead of running away from problems. Many never considered how much pain their actions would cause, or how long it would take to heal." Her book: Not Just Friends, is a great resource.